• I know for sure that I don’t know anything for sure, and if there’s one thing I can count on, it’s that I can’t count on anything.
  • Don’t take yourself too seriously; no one else does.
    I enjoy a live band; dead bands are so disappointing.
  • Pay early for a good education or you’ll pay dearly later for your ignorance.
  • I find intolerant people intolerable.
    Is cannibalism considered an eating disorder?
  • Houses aren’t haunted; people are.
    If a hooker is wearing a stuffed bra, can she be arrested for false advertising?
  • When a psychological test shows you are depressed, is the score high or low?
  • When my therapist told me I had a split personality, I just came apart. I was beside myself.
    Picasso’s paintings are a pigment of his imagination.
  • Friends and bees are all around us; occasionally you’ll get stung.
    Never say always, and always avoid never.
    I’ve learned that I should keep my mouth shut when I don’t know what I’m talking about; unfortunately, I haven’t learned how to do that.
  • The odds of meeting your fate in an airplane may be less than in a car, but the odds are even better if you don’t get into the airplane.
  • I’m not over-sexed, I’m gender-aware.
  • I may not always be right, but I’m not always wrong, either.
  • Once I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong.
  •       Definitions

  • Slut: A pejorative accusation made by a woman against another who is more physically attractive.
  • Narcissist: Anyone with the audacity to presume that he is more talented, witty, appealing, and entitled to special treatment than I am.