- I know for sure that I don’t know anything for sure, and if there’s one thing I can count on, it’s that I can’t count on anything.
- Don’t take yourself too seriously; no one else does.
I enjoy a live band; dead bands are so disappointing.
- Pay early for a good education or you’ll pay dearly later for your ignorance.
- I find intolerant people intolerable.
Is cannibalism considered an eating disorder?
- Houses aren’t haunted; people are.
If a hooker is wearing a stuffed bra, can she be arrested for false advertising?
- When a psychological test shows you are depressed, is the score high or low?
- When my therapist told me I had a split personality, I just came apart. I was beside myself.
Picasso’s paintings are a pigment of his imagination.
- Friends and bees are all around us; occasionally you’ll get stung.
Never say always, and always avoid never.
I’ve learned that I should keep my mouth shut when I don’t know what I’m talking about; unfortunately, I haven’t learned how to do that.
- The odds of meeting your fate in an airplane may be less than in a car, but the odds are even better if you don’t get into the airplane.
- I’m not over-sexed, I’m gender-aware.
- I may not always be right, but I’m not always wrong, either.
- Once I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong.
- Slut: A pejorative accusation made by a woman against another who is more physically attractive.
- Narcissist: Anyone with the audacity to presume that he is more talented, witty, appealing, and entitled to special treatment than I am.